And sleeping would be ideal. (the paradox of emotions)

[ May 26th, 2010]

So, tomorrow, I’m heading out – bright and early – beginning the 5 day roadtrip up north to NEW YORK!
Admittedly, I am excited, and happy to be going.. it’s for a good cause (to learn more of my Lord and how to teach His truth to the multitudes) and it will be a fun journey “getting there,” .. however, I DO have a nervous and ANXIOUS anticipation that I’m fostering.. like, I’m experiencing nausea and,

can’t sleep at night. 
My mind creates all of these “worst-case-scenarios” and I wonder, will I die?  Will I be killed by a person or my own car?  If I wreck, will I end up paralyzed or will angels miraculously save me and my car from impending disaster?  If, If, IF.. only, I could
sleep tonight.

I would like to remain calm.. relax.. “enjoy the ride..” and I’m quite certain that once I’m traveling the open road, with the radio humming quietly and the wind blowing in on me from both sides (windows down, only way to drive).. that I’ll be ok.  🙂  Then, I shall be comfortable, hopeful, optimistic, plucky!..

living – RATHER than merely, simply, only –

Also.. a new sort of confusion has entered into my life:
as I’m seeking to let go, and move on from one relationship.. I’m beginning to want to begin, and hold on to,.. another.
And it’s hard, finding myself in the very middle of this Venn Diagram, with one hand letting go on one side and the other beginning to clasp on the other side.. especially when the former doesn’t want to let go..
and I wonder, is it wrong?  Is it right?
Is is possible?  Can timing be this.. strange..
or this wise?

Have you ever found yourself in a place where – at a fork in the road – either path seems right.. destined.. acceptable, and perfect?
Am I supposed to expect and choose only that which IS perfect or what is closest to it (perfection)? And if I perceive that BOTH are perfect, does that mean.. what I choose doesn’t matter?  That there is no premeditated and pre-destined “right or wrong..” it’s just,

MY choice?  There is no “best..”
Ah, I can’t understand.  Maybe, the heart of the problem is my perception: maybe I need time to see things clearly,
and interpret them clearly.. and then I’ll know.

Or, I’ll realize that I’ll never really know anything for certain.  
I can either close my eyes, turn around and walk away..
or dive in.  Not in to a crystal blue, room-temperature water..
but in to a black “sea of potential.” [CAY]  It can mean and be, and I can find and see, anything.

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Personal stories, lengthy rants, and lighthearted explosions of optimism, all neatly bundled into one blog.

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