and a heart on my sleeve. [ June 1st, 2010 ]
Why do I always get myself in these situations?
In New York now. I made it safely, by God’s grace.. after 30 hours of driving, I don’t feel like going anywhere anyyytime soon unless it’s to the local ghetto-Walmart [where I’m amazed my car’s still there when I come out carrying my newly bought lamp.] (true story)
So yes, Mountaindale, New York.. it is pretty here. Green. Quiet. I’m sitting outside of the dorm on a weakly-railed balcony, listening to the birdies, an airplane, and the wind.
I like it.
Got up at 6:10 this morning (I mean literally “got up”; the alarm had gone off two times previous, but, I decided it was absolutely necessary to “snooze further.”)
I said a prayer, got dressed, and headed downstairs for worship. The chapel (sounds catholic.. hmm, substituting-) WORSHIP ROOM (better?) was very simple: a pulpit, some fake plants, a piano on the left (somewhat out-of-tune) and an organ on the right (which I didn’t investigate). Softly padded chairs serve as the equivalent for pews and some of these chairs were littered with hymnals, tracts and the like. I sat in the middle. We sang songs, prayed, read and discussed. It was nice.
Then, we had breakfast. Afterwards, we spent 3 hours studying (today was orientation). And the rest of the day I have whittled away with various “necessaries”: reading from books, studying an outline, “catching up” on laundary, responding to various emails, thinking to myself-
That’s a long time.
And this is my boring life.
So yes. Besides an account of how I’m “settling in,” and “adjusting” to this NY’er life.. what else would you like to know?
Hm.. well, I have a boyfriend now.
His name, is Christopher, and for safety reasons I shall refrain from divulging his last name.
He is wonderful. Only 3 years older than me, and basically, a male version of “me.”
We have everything, yes – everything, in common.
Our mindsets are so similar it’s scary. (not really to the scary part..)
He is everything I wanted and, more..
and the funny thing is,
God chose him.
We met 8 months ago when I was already in a relationship. It was long distance.
I’ve already referenced this young man, so, I’d prefer to not name him.
Anyways, Chris and I remained friends up until last week. However, weeks previous,
this “gentleman” and I broke up and..
What, with being out of work and just on the verge of heading off for the biggest road trip I’VE ever been on,
I had nothing but time on my hands. (You know how when you’re anticipating someting “big” it consumes your
attention and almost decapacitates you to function as a normal human being? Time is frittered and you feel
at a loss of practical intuition? Ok, good.. you’re following!)
So, with all of this time, I had ample opportunity to cry, get angry (an emotion I’m not very familiar with),
remember, resent, break down, toughen up, want to die, want to defy him,..
all of that.
I went through the wholeee spectrum.
And then, all of the sudden –
there was peace.
I needed to let go of the past.
I needed to move on.
I needed to realize that..
there was more to me than David. He wasn’t even who I THOUGHT he was for years.
I was still there –
And I had much, very much, remaining to live for!..
God, people, and music.
And.. out of all of those people..
So, cupid struck us both with “the second dart” at once and..
I am so very glad to be his. 🙂
Trust — I can see already that it’s going to be a struggle. Trusting him.
It’s so hard for me to believe that someone could love me unconditionally,
and be faithful.. it’s another one of those “long-distance-insecurity” things and well..
girls, don’t fall in love with boys who live anything more than 2 hours from your residence.
It isn’t fun.. or, easy.
With all of that said, I’m about to head off and get ready for evening worship.
Pray that God will open my heart, AND my mind.
I feel like I have a lot I need to learn here, that I couldn’t learn elsewhere.
“And he hides his heart like it’s made of glass.” [me]