you are the only exception..
the only exception.
the only exception.
***** ** *********
Part of my tooth chipped off today! Happened during lunch.. so weird, same thing happened about 2 years ago when I was visiting my ex-boyfriend in CT. Wondering if it’s cavity-related or due to an insufficient supply of calcium. Would like to schedule an appointment with the dentist, but, don’t know if parents have dental coverage right now, due to dad’s recent re-employment with Publix (all the benefits haven’t been fully realized yet). Anyways, yes. Today we studied Zechariah 6, as a group, and it’s a very interesting topic, although it’s never recognized as a beautiful, relevant and unique prophecy, an important part of Scripture, by the mother church. Jan and I drove down the road to get fresh spring water this morning, and as she sat in the car, which I had pulled off onto the side of the road, I crossed over and returned to the creek. It was beautiful down there today, and I knew it would be. Has been raining for days, and the creek was more like a river, rushing torrents of water climbing over the rocks, pushing themselves forward, onward,
And I wonder if I’m heading downstream also?
Feel very strange lately, hazy, not completely “there,” or even HERE.
I just want to walk.. look around me, take pictures, play guitar, and drive.
I want to drive!
Far away from here.. that’s, why I want to drive.
I need to be here, I know I do.. and some days I feel like I’ve totally accepted it and, beyond that, am HAPPY with it, ..
but then then there are days when I realize (yes, realize, because whether I sense/ perceive it or not it’s alwaaaays there) that I have a major discontent within me – a serious fear, and disdain for feeling – being – “held down.” My schedule is very consistent, orderly, specific and unbudging; such bold, distinct demands are placed upon my time.. and I feel like I’m just not equal to the task, and my heart isn’t in it.
Anyways, I’m still here. I don’t think I’m going anywhere.
We’re driving, as a group, to the GC being held down in Atlanta, Georgia. I think it starts the 22nd.. should be interesting. Many people will not want to hear anything we have to say. I may cry afew times. It’s possible that I’ll be yelled at, stared down, and humiliated.
But hasn’t Christ suffered worse?
BLESSED are you, when men shall HATE you, and when they shall separate you from them, and shall reproach you, and cast your name out as wicked, for the Son of Man’s sake. If nothing else, it will be interesting.. it will build character and it will give me a glimpse, a cursory view, into the world of religion — a face, a side, a voice I’ve never seen – or heard – before. Atleast, only minimally. I was kicked out of a church once for wearing a hat and believing the Bible. 🙂
And so, yes. I will be going walking soon, toting the camera along with me. I really should be studying instead. I don’t know; I feel like I’ve been lazy, as in I haven’t been very DEDICATED to reading and praying as much as I should. However, in my defense, I feel that being “up” here in a new atmosphere, different area, where no one knows me and my only mission is to “grow in the Lord” and equip myself to share the truth with others, I have time enough for reflection. For meditation. To get to know myself once again and to reacquaint myself with “life..” her simplicity, the way she confounds and confuses and puts to sleep so many – young and old – and just, breathe. I love to think.. and it’s great, to have something to think about. Here, I have had many revelations. What they are, I can’t tell you — but I know I have, because I have changed. Rather,
I have grown.
I have evolved.
I see myself as a different person.. less in love with myself, less aware of who I am, more confounded. “WHO am I? What am I doing here? WHY am I alive, and when.. is everything going to make sense?” I have a lot of ideas concerning “when” this will all ‘come together..’ but I can’t be sure of anything anymore. THAT is something I have had revealed to me and that I can plainly state:
I can’t be sure of anything anymore. No one is dependable.. and only dead things are beautiful, because what they are, is what they always will be – they don’t pretend and they don’t boast. I want to be dead.. I feel like I kind of am. Atleast, I’m getting there.
I want to be consistent.. and spontaneous.
I want to be Christlike – and me..
I want to be intelligent and helpful,
and I want to walk down dusty roads and take pictures of rocks, trees and buildings.
Maybe I’m not there yet.
I guess I’m not dead..
unless dying is beautiful, unless dying is finding, unless dying is BEING and
letting that being, be.
Ramble, ramble, ramble.. these entries must be so boring.
Before we leave NY, Jan and I are going to get a kosher pizza from one of these Jewish food establishments. 🙂 Oh wow! I don’t know if I mentioned it or not, but, there are TONSSSS of Jewish people around here. Like, half the population. It’s neat.. walking into Walmart and seeing lines of men wearing black suits, tiny little hats and ostentatious beards.. women, dressed modestly, moving about meekly, ministering to a hoard of little ones..
It’s nice to meet you.