Brainwashing. Re-evaluating. (Taking off the glasses and seeing with MY eyes)

Because we’re always seeing life

through someone else’s.

Yeah, we’re always living life

to please the

lifeless.

**

And I say brainwashing, becaaaaause I’m listening to “Exception” (Paramore) for about the 67th time.  I’m addicted. It’s the only song that I have any interest in at the moment, which, is weird for me.  I usually diversify, and have a somewhat strict policy that is AGAINST listening to one particular song, however beloved, back to back (although I make exceptions sometimes, for awesomeness like Coldplay).  

It (“Exception”) is just very, relatable.  “I’m on my way to believing..”

SO ANYWAYS.  Re-evaluating! Yes! AbsoLUTELY! Always.  Anticomformity, going to see the way Jesus would see.. think the way Jesus would think.. say what Jesus would say and do what Jesus would DO.  It sounds easy, it sounds honorable (and the latter, it most certainly is) but how much SELF DENIAL it requires, how wholly we must depend on God, to achieve those things.  We are far too concerned with “popular consensus” and “prevailing ideas, opinions.”  The mainstream, flourishes.. and the little creek that God calls HIS way, is always in such danger of becoming stagnant. 

Today, I went for a walk in the woods, after getting Brother Stanford’s permission and receiving confirmation from Jan that she would rather stay “home” (dorm room) and read or watch her Manga drama. 

I brought my mp3 player along, but never listened to it.

I brought my camera along, and took one or two pictures.

I took my cell phone with me, and texted ONCE – it was a “return text” to my mom telling her to NOT text me for the next 30 minutes, that I was currently sitting directly in front of 4 deer and didn’t want any “viby noises” to scare them off.

So yes, I just gave it away.

Eventually, as I was walking along, I realized: I am completely and totally ALONE right now, save for the possible and probable concealed presence of birds, bears, deer or wild boars.  So, walking along, curiously, carefully weighing each step and making certain that there were no snakes slithering around on the ground surrounding me, I began singing, softly but with unreserved, unchecked, unashamed volume.  Then, all of the sudden, I just barely glaaaanced towards the right and saw a FACE, a skinny, brown FACE, staring at me!  It was A DEER!  And behind the “leader” I could make out the silhouettes or (we aren’t dealing with black and white here, I just like the fancy word, admittedly) forms of 2-3 OTHER deer!  “Wow, this is GREAT!!” I thought, “just what I was hoping for.”  And so, quickly deciding, in my mind, what the best “plan off attack” would be, I walked —  nonchalantly, and  focusedly — over to a stump that looked like it had been chiseled away at perfectly, just for me to sit on.  Upon sitting down, I raised my head hopefully – holding my breath, daring to believe they hadn’t scampered away – and each deer was still in view, staring at me, and keeping very still. 

Ah, I was so excited.  I sat there, cooing at the “head deer” (I believe that this was the very one I saw a couple of weeks ago when I first arrived at Mountaindale; the connection between his eyes and mine was unmistakable), assuring him in tone and word (which, the latter matters not, I doubt he could understand anything but sound) that I would do him no harm and would only love him (and his friends), if he (and they) would let me.

I sat there, so very still, so very quiet, for about the space of 20-25 minutes.  His stare, was undying; his eyes were GLUED to my tiny form and I sat there, meekly, scarcely daring to even breathe, periodically lifting my hand for a brief second to wave in a friendly, inviting sort of way.

I prayed.. God, please – please just, impress the deer.. lead him over to me so that I can pet him; let him know that he can trust me! Please!..

and I sincerely believed, with tears in my eyes, that it would happen..

The deer approached me.. we were within 25 feet of eachother, and it was HE who was advancing towards me.. “this is looking GOOD!” I couldn’t wait.  Then, he walked in a sort of semi circle, on the other end of which he was the same distance from me that he had been moments previous.  All of his movements, and those of the others, were very well-calculated, cautiously and timidly executed.  It hurt my feelings, alittle; I kept trying to reassure him that I was NOT going to hurt him or his family.. but, they were skittish, on-edge, and remained apprehensive of my presence.

Soon, it was 5:50 and I knew that I simply had to be back on campus within 10 minutes for evening worship, or I would be fined (they take punctuality VERY seriously).  The deer, guiding and protecting his three companions, had begun to lead them away from where I was and I took this as a sign that 25 feet was as close as I was going to get to my deer-friend tonight.

Sometime during the 20 minutes I sat there, I had broken down, and cried mournfully, passionately, freely.  No one was there to judge OR to care, and I was able to just.. stop pretending, stop trying, stop making myself

believe.

It broke my heart.. that, on this side of eternity, our world is so full of fear.

Not just people.. worrying about how they’re going to stay alive and live “comfortably..” care for their families and supply all their needs and wants.. (or rather, wants and needs – this backward world)..

but animals.

They, many of them, can’t trust anyone..

other species and.. especially, humans.

I want so much to be trusted.

I’m realizing that more each and every day.

Maybe that’s why, ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always wanted to associate and befriend the ‘people with problems.’ I wanted to take care of them; I wanted to show them, to prove to them, that I – regardless of what ANYONE else would or would not do – would love them.. would protect them.. would honor, respect, and support them, no matter what.

And anyways, refocusing, I just wanted these deer to know that..

I wasn’t carrying a gun.

I wasn’t speeding down the road.

I wasn’t holding rocks,

or raising my bow,

or doing anything – that they need fear.

I just loved them.

I just wanted to pet and hold them..

I just wanted to calm their beating, pounding hearts

put to rest their long-borne fears

kiss their heads, coo softly,

and send them on their way,

alittle less alone-

alittle less afraid.

They have eachother, but, they were meant to have us, too..

we were supposed to lead them, guide them, love and protect them.

WE failed.

They just had to deal with it.

So, I waved goodbye (afew times, it’s so hard to let go) and promised myself that I would come back again and that they would be there and, eventually, we’d have/ come to a mutual understanding: that I loved them, and they could trust me.

Anyways, time to wind down..

glad I have a place where I can record whatever small amount of significance surfaces in my life.

-Aun Aqui

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