What did I expect to find out here?

“Just knowing you’re half-way alright.. makes tonight okay.”

Ok, so one half of me is above the water, and the other, partway submerged.

The rain is continuing to fall,

yes THIS is a raging storm.

Can you really leave me here like this,

alive, but maybe not for long?

Can you really let me stay like this —

so lost, alone,

and far away from being strong.

**

“What is a mind, if it doesn’t think.

What is a heart, if it doesn’t feel (or.. “beat,”- my substitution)

What is a voice, if it doesn’t speak —

Be heard.”  Celebrate Black History Month.  It was poem, on a mural, on a wall.  We drove by, I.. wrote it down.

**

This is just a word-for-word account of yesterday’s entries, made in my hardcover, handheld “journal.”

Rewind your frame of mind,  for only alittle while, just a tiny space of time. ~

Sitting in the Georgia Dome.

We all want to be the most important person..

we all think that we ARE “the important person.”

And what makes you special?

Your briefcase?

The white, flowy dress that graces your delicate features, that tries to hug but only hangs on your thin, frail body?

What makes you so different?

The green pants you wear in this sea of skirts, the tattoos that rage and scream from your arms?

What makes you superior-..

the silence you keep, when everyone is talking.

the pain YOU CAN FEEL, when

the whole wide world is laughing?

–We’re all flesh. 

Although we don’t dress it the same..

We’re all just flesh –

so stop starring in your own show,

imagining this one-of-a-kind beauty,

you’re proud to say “is yours..”

and PLAYING games.

(Margins: Wishing you were here. I could smile through this pain, I would smile in this chaos. ; I feel nauesous ((very correct: nauseated)).  People just don’t get it.  Who are you? Have you ever known?)

**

[Moments, maybe hours, later]

On the way home from our 2nd day at the General Conference. 

It was neat.. we (Jan and I) pretty much spent the whole day exploring; viewing the exhibiton center, and walking the long and seemingly endless corridors.  We had lunch (she, cheeeeesy pizza; me, vegan fajitas) and dessert (Starbucks).. met and were photoraphed with Doug Bachelor.  Also saw Shelley Quinn being filmed.  Pretty neat.

Got a DVD called “New Beginnings;” it teaches/instructs you how to give/ present studies on the gospel and salvation.  (as a “side and after” note, I walked up and received the LAST english set available.. God is so good).  Jan asked random (important looking/ foreign/ famous) people for signatures and I took pictures of them, for her.. I also took pictures, of other things, for me.  We passed out only afew “These Times” mags today.   Most of our targeted audience (meaning, whoever we stumbled upon with literature in our hands) were receptive, especially: a group of 3 ladies from NY and 2 Nigerian men.  One woman refused,- inquired if I was with the SR (Yes, ma’m) and, upon my honest answer, declined.  I sat down next to her.. asked her if she had ever studied the message before.  “No.” 

She had just ‘heard a lot’ about it.

**

“For Just Afew Moments..” (I like to title certain experiences, thoughts, and ideas, before developing on them)

Jan and I returned to the car at 3, but Stanford and Cara weren’t there.  We waited for about an hour before leaving the parking lot.  Wandered back into Building C,.. climbed some stairs and found ourselves just outside of

the ballroom.

We entered.

There were only afew, just a handful of people inside the large area, two of whom were setting up sound equipment. 

There were so many chairs.. row after row of them, all silent, anticipating, waiting.  The stage was black, but I could make out the form of a big, beautiful Steinway piano (Okay, so I didn’t know it was a Steinway until I sat down and my eyes met with the gold lettering). 

I dared to ask, very hesitantly, if I couldn’t play the piano alittle before “showtime.” 

He didn’t object! So thrilled, I walked down the aisle, mounted the stage, and, step by step – meekly, slowly, and deliberately – moved all the way toward my ivory lover and sat down upon her bench. 

I sat there for probably 30 minutes, playing my heart out, just certain, God was at work! I was going to be ‘discovered..’

and even if I wasn’t, and no one else was listening,

I was being blessed, “and doing my best” / “in my effort”  to bless others.  Both.  🙂

It’s amazing, in retrospect, how.. despite the little amount of talent we have in regards to/ connection with  ‘something,’

we have such a great love.  A huge love.  Such big dreams, high goals, far-fetched ideas.

It’s like we believe – we want so much to believe – that people can see into our hearts and feel the

depth of our longing, recognize our sincerity, understand our desire.. and that they will take us,

with our small advancements but big potential, and nourish, assist, promote us. 

Being idealistic, is beautiful.. but isn’t it also tragic?

We’re so optimistic..

and so, we’re going to be so let down, in the end.

For just afew moments,

I felt the light pour down on me.

For just afew moments,

I heard the cry of each black and white, piano key.

For afew brief moments,

the audience was mine..

For just, only a

moment

I could find the sense in life.

I could feel a peace inside.

I could see, and know,

the darkness

and the light. -ARR

The end.

It’s today now, the day after, the present (which is a gift.. I was reminded of this yesterday by January.  She loves quotes and just as much as loving quotes, she loves SHARING them.  She secured my attention and then, said smoothly and brilliantly, “Yesterday was history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is the present – that’s why it’s called ‘a gift.’ “)

Chris and I were up late, again, last night.  Til after midnight.  Discussing, religion.

Seventh-day Adventism, the message of Elijah, what’s right, what’s wrong, who is right, who is wrong.

I was very emotionally distraught, whether he realized it or not.  And yes, I went to bed “half alright.”

I guess that was good enough; maybe, it just had to be.

Was woken up early this morning.. hearing the soft voice of a tiny, petite, fragile little French lady,

cooing “iz tyme fahwr worsheep,” gently running her long, slender fingers across my cheek.

It always makes me smile.

I was never woken up like that, growing up.

It was always an alarm.. or a loud voice.. a dog barking, a doorbell sounding, or a ringtone, playing, screaming at me.

And even though it was lovely charming and sweet,

I reallyyyy didn’t want to get up. 

“Why are they so BOSSY?” I demanded inside of myself. “Why do we have to get up now?”

Haha, so rebellious.  All of us hate restraint.. I’m guessing teenagers especially so.

We haven’t been “broken” into the reality of life yet:

you’re never entirely free.

Hmm.. that’s a pretty strong statement, isn’t it?

Doesn’t Christ make us free? Why yes, but then, aren’t we, as His servants – sons and daughters – to do His bidding? Isnt a check placed upon our desires, purposes, thoughts, actions, lifestyles?

and you cry out “We are capitalists!”

Why yes, we are.  But isn’t there a minimum wage? And aren’t there governmental permits and licenses and this and that and the other?

I hardly know what I’m saying.

All I know, is that we’re never, entirely free.

Even if it’s only to ourselves that we’re slaves.

But yeah, we got up out of bed, put our hats on and stumbled into the living room.

I sat on the couch, I partially sang the songs (inbetween yawns), I tried to read with feeling and

moved myself to the middle seat, where our French classmate Cara could read along as I read aloud (it’s easier for her to comprehend that way) and I knelt in prayer with the rest..

but then, I returned to the room

and layed back down.  Jan did, too. 

And we slept til about 12, an extra 4 hours.

I needed the rest.  Last night exhausted me; emotionally, even more so than physically.

Today, I opened up abit to Brother Stanford about my situation, my concerns, my fears, my frustrations.

He actually gave good advice.
“Put God first.  He loves you more than anything.  Say ‘Lord, let your will be done’.. and really trust Him.”

I mean, haven’t we all heard that about a million times before in our lives? If we’re christians, I’m positive, yes, we have.. but today, it just made more sense than usual.

It actually penetrated —

through one ear,–

into my MIND,

and then all the way down to my heart.

I always thought.. if you were alone, you would be alone.  I’m realizing.. it doesn’t have to be that way.

Whatever happens,

whoever comes into my life for just alittle while, leaves angrily [or parts peacefully]..

whoever stays for a long time, for 30 years [or forever]..

whoever returns my affection, [whoever spurns it]..

whoever I find unity with [and whoever I must ‘agree to disagree’ with] –

life, is just a long journey of taking

chances.

The one constant, is God.  No matter what.. I know who I am.  I know now..

God, I’m yours.

And that means, I’m as free as I can be: free to be,

me.

Stanford.

Maybe he isn’t as judgmental as I’ve always thought he was.

Maybe he actually, just cares.

-Aun Aqui

One thought on “What did I expect to find out here?

  1. Hey Rose, this is Treasure. The same Treasure you met in Georgia that you played guitar for, on my song named “Trouble”. How are you, I don’t know how to contact you? (No longer on FB)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s