I’ll be here and there, every now and then.

 
i’ll be here and there every now and then. 
a thought in your mind, 
an image in your head 
so picture perfect 
and drenched in red 

the end is the beginning, 

and depression is our friend 

  because he sympathizes with us 

when THEY say we’re crazy 

  and he puts his arms around us 

dims the lights, makes everything hazy 

like “i dont know whats real anymore” 

and “i cant believe i fell for this”
like “nothing matters and no one cares” 

and “i’m giving up, it’s easier, it’s time, to quit.” 

so why do we run and hide all the time?  why do we ignore the pain and pretend that we’re right.. 

we are always so painfully right. 

can there be beauty in being, wrong 

in finding out what you didnt know 

and letting it change your world? 

can it be right to find out your wrong 

is it treasure- 

is it gold, is it myhrr? 

4763 reasons. 

529 ways. 

Numbers that are meaningless, 

or maybe just mean days.//

Time can never be timely 

only in his sick, twisted way 

and life, is definitely worth living.. 

i sleep through every day. 

    You can never know me, 

I know how hard you’ve tried.. 

and you can never love me 

because in the recesses of your mind 

there’s a voice that says you do 

when you dont 

and so what you believe to be true 

is as unreal as what you dont. 

i’m not who you thought i was 

and i’m everything that you hate. 

i’m not who anyone thought i was! 

it’s weird, it’s delicious, 

i’m not afraid. 

and i’m not who you thought i was 

sad, the tear drops roll 

and i’m not who i thought i was.. 

never could be more 

at peace 

as i’m broken in pieces 

dreaming 

in my own reality 

creating a world 

thats know me 

the world 

that cares 

a world 

that allows me to be 

anywhere, everywhere 

what i am, who i’m not 

what i want to be 

who i can never be 

all alone, 

because you, somehow, forgot. 

you forgot to believe. 

you forgot the real me. 

you forgot, because you never did see.. 

you never would have seen. -Aun Aqui 

******* 

It’s Sunday. 

It’s been raining for.. days.. and I love it.  🙂  

Storms, are everything.  The sun – is narrow minded, so limited, so foreign to me.  It comprehends only “the lovely,” “the pleasant” (whatever THAT is, relevant to taste), “the simple.”  The rain, the thunder, and the lightning– embrace depth, beauty, tragedy and profound moments of joy,.. cleanness, darkness, newness, antiquity, God, conflict, release.. everything.  I lose myself in the rain.  I lose everything I don’t want to have, and I gain.. clarity.. 

And today, is Sunday.  

I woke up and it was past noon (give me a break; the other 5 days of the week I “rise with the sun”.. 6:20 am..), broke my 24 hour non-intentional but incidental fast, put a  load of dirty clothes into the wash (today is the weekly laundary day — only day of the week when I have time!), and brought Charlie with me into this empty dorm room.  Number 8.  It’s one of the only rooms that gets continuous and strong wireless signal, so, with it being vacant, I see no harm in spending some time in here during my stay.  

Went to an SDA church in Monticello yesterday, and ate lunch with brethren afterwards.  It was nice.  I do fine in social situations; sit, listen, speak, laugh, smile, process every word and phrase that enters into my mind before vociferating it.. I know what people do and do not want to hear, and while I don’t “make up” pleasing words, I only allow that which is natural and acceptable (in such dignified company) to escape my lips (as in, while I may be thinking of the profound presence of trees in my life and how I cherish and couldn’t live without a deep capacity for thought.. I will, instead, ask why the Queen and King cannot co-rule in England).  Anyways, the food was good!  Vegan, well-prepared.. the scenery was lovely, very green.. although nothing compares to my sweet home, Alabama. 

Ah.  Yes, Alabama. 

I want to move back there. 

Not that I wouldn’t miss my family.. I would, terribly.  But I just don’t feel at home there (Florida, the state that I’m speaking of).. and in the 8 months I was there, I never did.  I forced the words, “it is good to be home..”, I faked the sentiments, I tried to urge unnatural attachment and fondness for the area on myself.. but, it’s all dumb.  Florida bites.  It’s overly-populated with either crazy teens or masses of the elderly, it’s wicked and immoral, with either a bar or strip joint on the left or right hand side of the road every 3 miles, tattoo parlors scattered like leaves  in Autumn on this block or the next, scantily clad women and prowling men, superficial and glorified life of phones, dates, beach parties, car shows and shopping and.. I hate it.  There is ZERO depth, solitude, beauty in that state, I’m sorry.  I’m not hating on the beach.. but, for ME, as an individual, the beach holds no depth, nothing special.  Atleast not the beaches of Florida.  More marvelous, more attractive and glorious are the rolling hills and gentle slopes of Alabama.. the hidden underworld found in caves, the tremendous surge of the waterfalls, the quaint, quiet and intimate overall “feel,” the bright, shining face of Alabama herself — who says, “I’m beautiful, and I’m decent.  This state is rated PG, and is christian friendly.  You can find yourself, you can be that self, here.”  I want 

to go home. 

I need 

to be there. 

I want it to be “here,” 

and NOT a memory.. 

I want to be identified closely with Alabama, the earthy-seat of my deep conversion, baptism, search for identity and.. 

meetingplace of Christopher. 

I love him, and.. to think that 3 months from now, I will be stopping by, Alabama.. I will be driving through, Birmingham.. to say “hello, I love you, goodbye..” and then, go “home” to FLORIDA to work as a waitress and miss him every day, every night.. 

God, what do you want?  Have you put this homesickness in me and created this odd situation with these wacky circumstances to lead me home?  Or is it to tug, pull on my heartstrings and grab, squeeze my mind just enough to strengthen me?  Is there reason to go home?  Is it.. Christopher?  Is it, ministry? Is it school, friends, scenery.. 

is it me?  Is that just where I need to be— the soil that will nourish, and cause to grow?  

Florida sure isn’t doing it.  The page I started on when we moved to Florida is still blank.  Atleast, mine is.. maybe Yours, isn’t.  Just, please, tell me what to do.. show me, and let it be abundantly clear, TOTALLY obvious, so that I’ll know.  

I need to know. I have to understand.   I really don’t like that sunshine state.

-Aun Aqui 

Daniel 2. (Just, happened.)

Ahh, Sabbath.

Rest.

No demands on my time, on your time..

all God wants, is what WE want from the people WE love:

time and closeness.  🙂  Time.. and closeness.

What a wonderful week it has been!

Friends, I’ve learned how to COOK!  It’s incredible.. many probably thought it would never happen, a good handful thought it could but wouldnt, and a small amount of you, perhaps, had faith that there was this hidden capacity..

well, whether it was there to begin with or it just suddenly arrived, I have a gift.  For cooking.

I’m basically a chef.

Ok, so I’m not the bestttt BUT I MADE HOME MADE BREAD!  I used my HANDS!

Let’s see, alittle wheat flour mixed with 2x the amt unbleached flour.. yeast.. cane  sugar.. olive oil, salt.. uh, ok, I can’t remember everything that went in, but, Jan and I followed the recipe (which was then in front of us) and it turned out to be just, delightful. 🙂  We also made mixed veggie soup (again, made; as in– from SCRATCH!  homeMADE! we did all but grow the vegetables). . blueberry muffins (they were a real hit).. tofu scramble (breakfast style; bell peppers, tomatoes and onions – cayenne and garlic powder).. mashed potatoes and green beens (ok, the latter two aren’t thattt impressive but even so,  it’s a practical knowledge and one that I’m grateful for because heretofore I couldn’t do any of this. shhh!)

So yes!  Aside from cooking (I promise, I’m more interesting than that, there’s abit of SPICE in my life.. haha, you get it, right?)  I enjoyed learning about Daniel 2 this week.  A quick summary for any and all who are interested*:

*Note.  This is not a quick summary.  I got very into explaining this, as you will see, and so it is VERY long winded.  Pursue reading this entry only if you’re sincerely interested, and I ask that you begin it with a prayer and, if you’re a lady, with your hat on [1 Corr. 11].  🙂
-The king Nebuchadnezzar fell asleep, dreamt, woke up and forgot alllll about it! except, that something in the night had deeply impressed him.  He was troubled.  Commanded the wise men of the kingdom to both recall AND interpret the dream but they could not; fortunately, a man of God was present, Daniel, and after inquiring of the Lord, he received both the account of the dream and the interpretation thereof.

-We’re all familiar with the symbols and figures used in the dream; an image of gold, silver, brass, iron and clay – a mountain, a stone.. well the basic “jist” of it is as follows: the image represents the succession of worldly kingdoms that occured, starting in Daniel (and King Neb.’s) time; namely, Babylon, Medo Persia, Greecia, Rome and the PRESENT WORLD (in which we now live; 1T 361).  We are in the “toe” period (look it up, Daniel 2). 

-The culmination of the vision is to take place in.. (vs 28) THE LATTER DAYS, again, ourrr time.

-The stone that smites the image and grows into a mountain, COMES from a mountain (vs 35/45).  Mountains, in scripture, represent CHURCHES.  See Is. 2:2,3; Micah 4:1-4; Dan. 9:16,17.  Exactly what church does this mountain symbolize?  It must be God’s church (His true church, consisting of commandment keeping people who have the Testimony of Jesus Christ and who follow the Lamb withersoever He goeth, Rev. 14:1-4/ Rev 12:17) that exists in the LATTER days (Dan. 2:28) and that could only be the last of the ‘seven churches,’ recorded in Revelation 2,3 (Rev. 3:17) — the LAODICEAN CHURCH, which EGW confirms represents the SDA church (T3 252-254; 1 MR 361).  Also, Lao-Dekei: “people proclaiming the judgment;” SDA church since 1844.  Represented as being in a lukewarm, SATISFIED condition; stunting growth, rejecting the holy spirit.  Can’t be “churches of the world” because they have been walking in partial darkness since 1844 when light on Sabbath was revealed and was REJECTED, and they have been floundering in the shadows ever since, falling steadily behind. 

The stone; what does it represent? In many portions of Scripture, CHRIST is symbolized by a stone, amen? (Ps 118:22, Matt 21:42, 1 Corr 10:4, 1 Peter 2:2-5) Yes, clearly, it is so.  HOWEVER, brethren, in this prophecy.. we are going to find that the stone represents something else.  What? Can a Biblical symbol have more than one meaning? Absolutely!  Turn to Rev 17:15/ John 4:14.. water in one case symbolizes “people” and in the other, the word of life.  Also, another example: Num. 21:8,9 and Rev. 12:9 – in one instance, a serpent represents CHRIST and in the other, Satan! Completely opposites! And so yes, we can see now that not only can Biblical symbols have more than one meaning, but that those meanings can, in fact, be completely opposite.  Also can’t be Christ/ Christ’s second coming for a couple of reasons:

1.  Christ is coming in the CLOUDS (1 Thess 4:17), and the stone is projected to come from the Mtn, an earthly object.

2. The mountain represents PEOPLE (established fact, see above); so the stone must represent people.

3. The stone, after smiting the image, grows into a mountain that “fills the earth.”  Christ, Himself, does not grow or expand.. impossible! Only in the person of HIS PEOPLE does He grow.  We will address the meaning of this ‘growing’ later on.

Now, we have established what the stone does NOT represent; so what does the Bible say it represents?

Well, using logic and scripture, the answer becomes abundantly evident: 1 Peter 2:2-5 (we referenced this verse earlier).  People, referred to as “lively stones;” also, the fact that the mountain represents God’s church – God’s people – proves that the stone, being a part of the mountain, is symbolic of people! In other words, the stone is in part, what the mountain is in whole: a remnant of the remnant, the “left” of Isaiah 66, the wheat, the sheep, the good fish – the purified ones, the 144,000 living saints that will be harvested in the SDA church. 

How is the stone cut out of the mountain? See vs. 45 of Daniel 2: “without hands.”  This phrase signifies that the “cutting out” of the stone (the separation in th church, of wheat and tares) is an act of DIVINITY; that it is God who does the separating, and not man; man looks on the outward appearance– but God, is the judge of character.  He sees all the way through to OUR HEARTS, to the motives, thoughts, intentions.  Also, Matt. 13:39 and TTM 47/48 “The work of separation is given to the angels of God and not committed into the hands of any man.”   A chapter that parallels this event of the stone being ‘cut out’ is Ezekiel 9!

Read vs 1-11.  We see that a destruction takes place in the ‘city’ (the church), and that those who are SEALED, are safe, whereas those who are NOT sealed are slain under the ‘destroying weapons’ of the 5 angels (who follow after the 6th angel, with a writer’s inkhorn).  What is the “seal”?  How can one obtain it? (TTM 445, 5 T 211,4 MR 251)  Sighing and crying: repenting of your own sins, and edifying, helping, admonishing in love your brethren.  Only those who sigh and cry for the abominations that be done IN THE MIDST THEREOF (in the church, in the city — not in the world) will receive the seal of God. 

IS THE SLAUGHTER LITERAL?  God is a God of love!.. yes, indeed, and His church is His most precious object upon earth, and so He will do all He can to save her.  God is a God of love, and justice.  Vs. 6 “fill the courts with the slain” 1 MR 260 “Study the 9th chapter of Ezekiel.  These words will be literally fulfilled.”

Question; so, this Ezekiel 9 prophecy is LITERAL! Will it, then, take place during the 7 last plagues?  No.  There are key differences between the two events.  Open to Ez. 9 and Rev. 15/16.  You will note, after reading these three chapters, that 1.  Ezekiel’s vision contains 6 angels, with slaughter weapons, and they do their work in the city.  2.  John’s revelation contains 7 angels, with vials, and these vials are poured out upon all the earth – BABYLON (Rev 18).  No, these are separate and distinct events.  Which comes first?  Ezekiel 9! 1 Peter 4:17 “Judgment begins in the house of God.”  Amen?

What causes the stone to grow?  Rev. 7:9, Is. 66:15+, Is. 2:2-4, Micah 4:1-4 (latter two quoted earlier).. the great ingathering of saints from all nations, kindreds, peoples and tongues! The 144,000 living saints will bring them into the church purified, the “ark of safety,” as it were, where there is no sin, sinners, and no fear of the plagues (this is when the call of Rev 18 will sound forth, calling God’s people out of Babylon – a place of danger – to a place of safety).  Amen! Hallelujah!  God will manifest His power among us, exciting times are head.  Lord, I want to be in that number, when the saints go marching in!

Last question.  How does the STONE, the 144,000, “smite the nations?” Are they going to forcibly hurt, destroy OR KILL unbelievers?  Are they going to purchase AK47s or bombs or buy hand grenades and swords?

No.  Remember, the story of Elijah.  He prophesied to the king that it would not rain for 3.5 years, there would be a DROUGHT.  And, it came to pass!  Did ELIJAH prevent the rain from falling?  No, it was the power of the Lord.

And again!  It is always good (and absolutely necessary, to be sure we are believing truth) to look to the BIBLE as the source of our faith, the foundation of all belief: Noah.  He preached that a FLOOD was to come (opposite of Elijah’s situation).. he built an ark and, indeed, it rained for the first time – it rained, and it poured.  Did Noah bring the rain?  Of course not!, you say.  Correct — it was God. 

As the 144,000 go forth, preaching the word of the Lord with power and force, God’s spirit will abide with them and the Lord will judge the nations.  See Jeremiah 51:19,20.  We are His battle ax, using the “sword of the spirit.”

And so brethren, my prayer, is that we have gleaned much light, encouragement, and a sense of urgency from this study.  We are in the latter days.  God is going to purify His church! His fan is “in His hand,” and He will “thoroughly purge His floor.”  Are you ready? Am I ready? For the day of the Lord is near, and “who shall be able to stand?” (Malachai).  It is the great, and the dreadful day.. great for those who have washed their robes in the blood of the Lamb and dreadful for those who have rejected His mercy, His grace, His love and His truth. 

Let us pray that we are daily sighing for our own sins, and crying for the sins of others.  Let us remember, the servant of the Lord bids us that unless we are willing to DIE for someone, we shouldn’t be reproving them. What is our motive? How deep, strong and selfless is our love?  How great is our devotion to God? Let us do our best, and then, let us be better.  Amen!

*******

That was long winded.  Wow.. well, it appears that I’ve learned quite abit!  What a great way to refresh the memory and to instill truth into the mind.. repetition.. “line upon line, precept upon precept – here alittle, and there alittle.”  God is good.

Goodnight, beloved!

-Aun Aqui

And this is where (they) say you “grow.”

and i’m out of my comfort zone

and it’s where they say that you grow
but i just dont know.

and they say that you’ll find him out here

but i’m looking up, and nothings clear

so i’m waiting for a reason

and i’m finding, fear

   never really believed that you’d actually appear.**

and i’m fighting with the wind now

and i’m breathing really hard now

and i want to pull the sun down

and i want to make her see that now

i’m burning.

 and blood is seeping in the ground.

yeah, i’m melting.

  and i feel my heart, beat, pound.

and i’m drowning.

  yeah, i let the fire go

and you’re lying

and you know i hate it so

and didn’t i tell you so.

and i loved you once

and proceeded to love you again

you broke my heart the first time

and i hoped that it would mend

  so iiiii put the pieces together

and gave YOU one more chance

you broke me like a feather, (alittle faster,)

i shattered like a glass

and i *hate you now

and i wish i didnt feel this way

because it hurts ME, not you, somehow

and my bed feels like an early grave

[cause i regret/

everything at night

because i’m upset/

with myself allll the time.]

and i miss

all those pretty lies.

and i cant understand –

how, why?

home.

where are you now?

home.

am i allowed to sit this one out?

it’s so very hard to think, just plain DIFFICULT to comprehend.

and i dont like to stare into space, and to cry is to let the whole world in

on the fact, that i’m going crazy

and day by day, growing more lazy

is this the key i was meant to find?

so where’s the doorway that will take me

outside, (of myself..)

outside, (oh, i NEED your help)

cause inside, i’m constantly losing ground

slipping, sliding, ALLLL around.

and i hate standing on the outside.

i look in and see you. smiling.

and they’re holding your hand.

and you spend so much time

with people who think that i’m not good enough

and the people that say you just need to

move on, and

give up. on me.

and they are people that really dont care.

and i’m the person,

just standing out there..

hoping youll notice the pitter patter of the rain

wishing that maybe you’d sense how cold it is today

dreaming that you’ll see my tears that blend so easily with the rain

and perceive that i’m so dreadfully afraid.

 

dreaming that you’ll come to me, kiss all those tears away

dreaming that you’ll RUN to me, and love me with .. “embrace.”

take me in your arms,

and softly, sweetly

say

i am yours forever,

and these silly fears you foster

are wiped away, with all these tears

because you will always, be mine –

be mine..

please,- be mine!!..

forever.

Did I add ‘forever,’ or did you say it?

Did this happen at all, or

have I only dream it?

oh, and my tears, they fall for you..

and oh, my fragile heart- how she longs for you.

-Aun Aqui, composed — roughly, 20 minutes ago.

And when the love is gone.

Ah, this evening was incredible. And the day equally as pleasant.

Started off with me rolling out of bed 10 minutes before worship, LIKE usual..

running on my tip toes down the hallway, wearing pajamas and FREEZING,

admiring myself for the bravery it took to pull my pale-whitish body out from under the covers.

Tap little Jan on the head, see her open her eyes and inform her she has a good 3 minutes to get ready.

See, we’re REAL girls.  We don’t get up an hour in advance to “do” our hair or put on make-up..

our hair, is “done” after we’ve finished combing it in a hasty manner and our make-up..

all-natural.  🙂

And then,once we’ve made it down the stairs and into the sanctuary, we freeze sitting on the chairs, shivering as we try to sing old and familiar hymns, which bounce in mood from joyous and upbeat to gloomy and terribly solemn..

Listen to the teacher as he begins to read..

Wonder in myself, what AM I doing here?

Thinking to myself, it all seems so

surreal.

And every once in awhile, he’ll pause and ask us all

If there are any comments – any questions – and he calls

on the name of the Lord when we kneel down and pray and he calls

on me when I’m leaving and asks

why

I

went

astray. ..

Just a thought.

God sees right through us; we can be in the right place,

doing the right thing,

saying all the right “stuff,” hitting all of the right “notes..”

but God looks on the heart.

God sees past these blue eyes all the way to the dark and evil

core..

sin is so rooted in me; apathy is so a PART of me..

sadness is a constant companion – gloominess, a shadow that

accompanies me as faithfully as the sun rises

for the rest of the world.

everyone, but me. 

       And there was one of those moments.

And it makes me smile..

Letting all of the pain out

And stopping the pretending for awhile

Because I hate to be misleading

and I don’t like to talk this way

Where I scream and holler “believe me”

and then I prove,

I am nothing, I know nothing, of

pain.

Only the pain I want to feel,

and the pain that I cause,..

and the dreams I crush

because they’ll never be “real.”

And I won’t let this bleeding stop

and I can’t let these wounds heal

Because if I do, I can’t see myself

Because if I do,

I can’t really be (myself)..  -AA

Ok, tonight – this night – was marvelous.  I was out on an evening walk with January and we were making our way up a hill towards the campus.  It was growing dark and we were doing our best to keep our feet on the thick slabs of stone, despite the way our balance struggled to maintain itself against the incline and the growing shadows stole our sun light..

and then, BAM!  A hurried rustling in the woods grabbed our attention and we grasped onto eachother, TOTALLY freaked out (for lack of better and more fitting language).  Remarkably, the noise makers remained in our view long enough for us to identify them: deer!! A mama deer and her little baby.. oh, I was so amazed, so overjoyed.  Jan was tickled by my awestruck wonder; to her, living in NY and in this “neck of the woods,” seeing deer roaming about is nearly as exciting as, for the rest of world, seeing a squirrel – munching on nuts, living it up in a tree – would be. 

But I loved it, and I felt honored, privileged, blessed.

As we approached the dormitory, an entire FAMILY of deer became visible in the distance!  Wow, what have I done to deserve this? and how FORTUNATE, how providential, that we should have taken a detour on the way home (although Jan had said we shouldn’t, for fear of encounters with snakes, I had insisted). 

And so, as Jan continued walking towards the house, shaking her head and chuckling, I sat in the grass and just.. stared.  I dared go no nearer, but.. after moments of quiet adoration, I walked back to the house, grabbed my camera, and hurried down the flight of stairs back to the “observatory”: an open field.  I tiptoed a couple hundred feet closer, so that I could prop myself up against a tree and gaze at the beautiful creatures.  I was reminded of how many times, on the way to NY, driving, I had seen dead deer on the side of the road.  Made me sad. Made me long for heaven, when death will be no more. Although death, decay, tears and pain are all precious – in that they are beautiful, and a very temporary function/ aspect of life (eternity) that should be “appreciated, comprehended while it’s here,” as it is peculiar to our world and a profound part of “our” human experience, we really will be better of without it. An animal taught me that today. As many times as I’ve hurt myself in the past, and heard of people and animals dying, and seen buildings crash and burn, or heard of natural disasters that completely wiped out food supplies and shelters.. nothing had ever really PENETRATED. Even the death of my beloved dog, Pandy Boo (3 years ago), didn’t quite send the thought home —

that a place in which death is no more, where there will be no more tears, darkness, or loneliness –

is something to long for; to anticipate, and desire.

Anyways.  I sat there for a long time.. cooing, calling out to the “leader” of the deer softly.. and I know that he was the one “in charge” because he kept his eye on me while the rest tended to their duties and followed their fancy.  As my visit with them drew on, I got ancy and wanted to get even closer.. I knew that I should just turn away before they ran away.. it would hurt less that way.. but I wanted so much to be nearer, to get closer, to know that they trusted me.  And so, with alittle bit of doubt and hesitance disregarded lingering in my mind, I rose slowly and began to walk forward, taking careful note that eaaach step would be as nonassuming and discreet as possible.  I made it about 30 feet closer and sat down on the grass, my pink skirt soaking in the dew. 

It was beautiful.  I was able to sit there, quiet, still, and be a part of their day.  Eventually, they turned and walked away.. but they WALKED away.

They weren’t scared, and they weren’t deserting me; they we’re just, ready to leave!.. and that was ok.

I’ll see them again.  🙂  Now, I know where to spend whatever “free time “I run across in the evenings.

And now, I am sitting on the extra bed in Jan’s room, listening to music, typing out this entry, thinking as I go along.. surrounded by many books, with many pages, filled with letters, words, phrases, thoughts, ideas and beautiful truths that I need to really take in – assimilate – and carry with me, forever, so that I can be a wellspring of life; a beacon of light; a witness to the world of the love, grace, mercy and forgiveness of Jesus CHRIST!

One more thing.

The other day, .. it was probably Sunday.. Jan and I drove down the road, empty jugs in the backseat, to a spring, purposing to contain some freshhh, clean water!.. and we did.  It was lovely, because right across the street, down a slope covered with brush, was a quiet, healthy-flowing creek!  I took pictures, enjoyed the sunshine and the “sparkle” of the water as he reflected her rays – her happiness, her joy..

and then, on the way BACK, I saw

it.

Ahh, yes. 

Jan and I were driving along and the most beautiful, broken down building came into view on the left-hand side of the road.  I said aloud (and with a deliberate, obvious longing in my voice) “ah, I would stop to take pictures, but I don’t want to bother you, or keep you waiting..” and she responded very sincerely, offering that I could stop and take as many pictures as I desired.  So, I veered off of the main road veryyy quickly and parked the car in front of a mobile-home park.  I walked across the road, beaming, completely and totally thrilled that I was at liberty to spend a small portion of the day (oh, I how I could have used the wholeee day capturing the antiquity of this one scene) acquainting myself with the once-was.. the “burial grounds.”

[ Continuing; June 9th, 2010]

In as few words as possible, which might, perhaps, do the greatest justice to what I saw..

the building, was beautiful.. and although it has “retired” and it’s purpose is no longer “to serve..”

it is now resting.. and needs to be loved, appreciated, admired..

and remembered.

One last thing. 

On the way home, we made ONE last stop. 

There is this house, on a.. hm, 20+ acre lot.. and it’s location is HEAVENLY.

I didn’t know that people, normal people like “us,” had WATERFALLS in their backyards!

No lie.. there was this marvelous, earthy incline that separated the rest of the property from “that” hill. It was all mountain-y, and a natural wall of rock aligned the edges.. and this wall caved in, continued straight for a space, and then branched back out –

and in the center of this groove was a BEAUTIFUL, majestic, forcibly running WATERFALL.

I was fascinated, amazed.. annd, alittle jealous.  “I wish I had a waterfall in MY backyard; I would sit by it everyday.. play music, write about life, maybe.. swim..”

But anyways, regardless of what was going through my mind – what dreams and envies – truly, my greatest thought was that it was awesome, so neat, that that waterfall even existed and that.. many people who drove by for the first time, and the only time, would marvel, and those who lived in the locality could smile as, in passing, their eyes were refreshed by the sight, and that refreshment, beauty, I could only hope, would reach all the way down to their sad, black hearts and give them hope, motivation, reason to live that day: to keep going, because nature sees them as a hero. All of creation, applauds them (us) as heroes.. we move on, we move forward- we press on, and do our best not to falter (but sometimes it’s impossible, along the way, to not sit for awhile, and wallow in pain.. we do our best to keep on this happy face, but at times it’s just a mask and we’re wearing it, faking it, for days).

I did walk up to the person’s doorstep and I rang the doorbell, indeed..

a dog barked, and after what seemed like a moment the screen door opened and a lady said

in irritated tone, “Can I help you?”

“Yes, ma’m, I am sorry if I’m bothering or disturbing you, and I don’t know if you get this a lot or not, but I was wondering if I could take a picture of your (THE) waterfall?”

She looked at me, a look of firm resolution and unfightable resistance, and said “No, I don’t want any picture taken.”

I was abit TAKEN BACK.. but politely said “Oh, ok.. well thank you! Have a great day..” and walked away.

However, the entire ride home and even afterwards, perhaps up until the next DAY (today, several days later, I’ve assimilated and accepted it).. it troubled me, puzzled me, and kind of grossed me out:

Sure!  You’re presumably a hard working human being, and I’m very certain that you BOUGHT this property, this land, with the money you earned.. but come on now. Did you MAKE this waterfall?  Is it so small, that there is none left for you to share? Would the enjoyment of others blight your own happiness? WHY keep such a precious treasure hidden from the world? Why withhold such beauty, a beacon of hope, an object of love and an incredible evidence of the Creator?

It just seems, selfish.  To be greedy.. to be cold..

or maybe she was just afraid that I was some kind of psycho that was going to come swim in her waterfall every day, all day, or in someway harm her or her dog.  I do have tattoos, afterall, which means I’m a pretty darn awful person. 

Anyways, it made me think of a parallel: Christ.

We, christians, find Him to be altogether LOVELY.. the unconditional love that He has, the meritless mercy and forgiveness that He extends!.. how beautiful, and what peace and joy it gives.

Then why are we so hesitant to share..

so reluctant, in conversation, to even MENTION the name of Jesus for fear of offending and yet we can FREELY discourse of “other things..” and mention by name other “controversial” icons.. Katy Perry, R rated movies, sex, drugs, violence, ..

would you mention Hitler in front of a Jew?

Would you listen to your Ipod while visiting with the Amish?

Could you read the Bible sitting next to a Satanist and

or should you just jump off the cliff if everyone else is?

Does individuality, freedom of speech and freedom of choice have some kind of a “boundary”?

Physical, of course.. I am free to live, to move, to be, but NOT to kill, steal from or in any way harm you..

I shouldn’t call you bad names but, can I share what I believe?  The thing(s) that make me happy, that give hope?

If Jesus is a huge part of my life, must I hide that portion of me?

Oh, I don’t know.

Well, class starts in 20 minutes, so I’m going to study abit more and feel as prepared as possible to give this final presentation on the second half of Daniel 2. 

–Aun Aqui

Things old and things new.

So, I transferred over from *whispers, liiivejournal* about 7 (personal) entries.. I don’t know; I’m guessing as to the amount.  Didn’t count.. but seven sounds right and, besides, it’s my favorite number.  🙂

I, guess.. you already know “enough” about me (enough; a very relative word. You might, at this point, only have known me for anywhere from 7 seconds to half an hour).  I’m alive, I’m 18, living in NY “on my own” for the first time (to both).. I love God, people and music – and I am studying God’s word because

I love tattoos and hate pretty music.  (hate is stronger, way stronger, than my dislike goes — used a heavy-loaded word to deepen the contrast)

I like to goof off and don’t pray enough. (true)

I’m selfish, I’m broken, I’m abnormal and all of the unspoken

hurts, pains and fears

amount to fewer than those that I share.

That means, I am very emotional; complain a lot? ehh, complain is a negative, whiny, “little-girl” word.

I’d like to believe that I’m positive, optimistic, upbeat and overall a “lover of life.”

But, there’s always the “other side..” and my mirror reflection is a very dark shade of (nothing.)

The absence of color is so deep that.. there is nothing to be seen; no reason to even hold your eyes open-

because it’s empty, it’s pathetic, and it’s hopeless.

No, not a “complainer..” I just like to vent..

and journaling, is a creative, “acceptable” way of doing so.

I need say nothing else. 

Today is the tomorrow I was waiting for, and soon, it will the yesterday I’ll forget a lot about.

Some things, I will remember.. if they’re very small.

or very big.

or very horrible.

or very profound.

So, just whenever you “stop by..”

I’ll be here.  🙂 

–Aun Aqui

It isn’t the easy road, but it’s the scenic one.

[ June 7th, 2010 ]

And I’m looking towards the green. 
  It’s everywhere.

And I’m finding you in me..
it just makes me scared, being here.

How close I came to death-
how close, and yet how far

For I was yours, really
I would always love your heart.

And I’m looking right below me.
You’re drowning.

And I’m feeling beside me..
for opportunity.

Can I save you now?
Do I have the desire..

Because if I did,
and I didn’t,

then this whole WORLD is on fire.

So we could watch it die,
go down in purple flames..
and I could hold my breath
as you drown within my gaze.

When I laugh they stand beside me
and shake their heads in reproof..

and when I cry
they walk away from me
and when I’m wrong,
they .. or i?.. blame you.
And if I fall in, too..
and we’re drowning there together..
atleast we know that somehow,
our love would last forever.

And if I fall in, too
and we’re drowning there together..
the flames might save our lives.
The fire might kill
disaster.

And I’m not taking this road,

because I’ve been down it before.
There is no adventure to be had,
just reconnecting with a filthy world.

And I’m not taking this road,
because it’s crying out to me in shades of black.

and this isn’t the easy road,
but it’s the scenic one.
-Aun AQui; written: the moment this page loaded.

“OOh, that’s right.  Let’s take a breath, jump over the side..
Ooh, that’s right!  How can you know me if you don’t even try?” -Coldplay. 

I’m so happy with where I am right now!
I am content with discontentment..
I am comfortable with unfamiliarity..
I am at home in a strange place,
and I have found hope in this
heartbreak.

It lasted for so long!
Could every picture really be lying?
And we were so convinced that THEY were wrong..
and did a whole lot of denying.

And I’m asking myself now..
how could my mind have played
such a trick on me,
commit such a robbery,

and not apologize?

And my heart, she was so desperate..
she didn’t think so, but, she missed it.

Because I see right through her glass walls..
and I feel the pain with every heart throb.
She longs, she needs, she wants and she wants
to believe..

Oh, small one –
little heart of mine.
You have to let go..
of the doubts you hold inside.

No on can fix you,
and no one can love you

the way you love
yourself
the way you hate       yourself

is barring. 
 

… -Aun Aqui

I keep trying to type out “normal” entries but I’m finding it difficult, to not.. default to poetry/ prose.  I hope you don’t mind.
Atleast, I think that I hope you don’t mind.  I don’t know; maybe I’m just saying that either to.. close off that thought, or,
to offer some kind of hospitality, generosity.. to show some concern or care for your desires?  Regardless, as I stated in the..
lines above here.. I AM happy.  I have let go of everything and now feel, a deep tranquility and reassurance that: I’m here!  I really am.  I’m  very much with it, keenly aware, of life – it’s trivial bearing, it’s grand purpose, it’s short duration and long term sandprints.  Oh, that the earth were a giant sandbox and each footprint was retained, and each laugh could be captured in a bubble or put into a jar.. preserved for our enjoyment, an immortal treasure for our curiousity.  Only death can silence this voice.. the Lord, has delievered me from human bondage and captivity!  oh, for love and affection, for interest and time, I gave so much of my self away.. and now, I don’t NEED to.  I don’t, need to.  I am “being.” I am “free.”  I am “living” and if you love me, you will and if you don’t, you wont.. and I, can love you still – regardless of how you choose to operate and proportion YOUR heart.

Because you know, you’re going to give it all away.
Either to yourself, or to the world surrounding you-

faces and mouths, ears and objects.. trees and balls, papers and places.

Because you know, there’s no way to save..
the heart isn’t money; it’s a void filled with whatever it can find,
and if you dont choose,
it will choose for you.

I am choosing now. 
I will lead this heart; I will make her decisions and I will protect her.

Well.  🙂  I must be going. 
-Aun Aqui

The poem and the declaration.

of independencee. 🙂  [ June 3rd, 2010 ]

Reinventing, and redefining, myself. On a journey that disallows bringing anyone else. You can stand in the distance, and smile on this way. I’ll feel it– I’ll even hear it!.. and wish I could see your face. (me)

Improv, streamline, “top of the head” — poem.

And it all just feels like an alternate reality
and it seems lke the world is falling out from under me
and I wish I could find something that bespeaks familiarity
and I’m hoping and praying for something –
anything.

Can I find a place where we’ve both been to before
and Create my own memories – and build my own world

And can I break away
from the chains that have bound
and When they are broken
Can I find the strength somehow

To get up and to move on
To let go and to dream again
To smile and do so sincerely

To finally realize, this is GODS plan

To pick up all the pieces
and Throw them to the ground
To say, “I really don’t need this..”
Because I’m
free
from
the past

now.

Free.
How lovely it can be.
Free.
A girl can only dream.
Free.
Is that how you’d describe me?
Free.

Can it actually be.

And he is calling me over.
And he is holding my hand.
And he is standing beside me –
despite the mess I’ve been.

And in his eyes, I can tell.
This love is not pretend.
It isn’t forced, it isn’t pity –
it’s sincere, it’s love,
it’s.. him.

And we were made for eachother
and the pain has made this beautiful.
And we were made for eachother
and this heartache has gained me
sevenfold. -AunAqui

**&&

So, those are just some of my thoughts and feelings.
What a crutch this journal has been for me.  😉 
Ah, and just knowing.. I write these little passages, and share these concerns, with an “indefinite” audience..

which — really, most likely, is no one.
There’s a beauty in it..

completely making yourself vulnerable,
sharing the experience that is essentially, uniquely yours –
giving faint shadows of what you’re learning along “the journey”
and.. knowing that all of the passion and content, the words you use and the voice you create –
is real.
That, whether anyone reads this or not..
you’re content,
and you’re happy,
because even if you aren’t really being heard–

you can atleast hope you are, and guess that maybe you have been or will be.

Anyways.
Christopher, my darling; you never leave my mind.
Can it really be that you believe in ME?.. in us?  That despite
anyone or anything, you have faith that God is leading us and that..
you love me?
and you aren’t ashamed of me?
and “forever and always” truly IS your desire?

A dream coming true.
I thought that only happened in fairytales.  🙂 
Oh, it has been said so many times before, and in so many graceful or coarse.. soft or loud.. emotional or dispassionate ways..
but truly.. in my softest voice — in awestruck wonder, and with love, I declare –
I thought that only happened in fairytales.
-AunAqui

Hurting.

This is where the healing begins.  [ June 2nd, 2010 ]

**
I’m so.. confused.

Right now, I KNOW that I’m in THE right place, at THE right time, doing THE right thing..

with the right person.

However, I’m experiencing such.. discomfort.. insecurity.. disheartenment!.. and
fear.

Why?  Well yeah, admittedly, I received an email (today) from Mr. David, stating that I “made him sick” and he was throwing away
everything I had given him in to the “dump”.. that I was ruining my life and everyone else’s.. and,
yes, that did make me feel pretty LOUSY. 
But.. even before then, before 20 minutes ago, all morning – all evening – ALL WEEK.. I’ve felt..
like I’m not Rose! 
Who am I?
**

How can it be this way..
that when everything IS so right, (for I know of a certainty that it is)
it should feel completely.. wrong – foreign –
forbidding?

Ah, so many changes.  So many changes.. ~

It’s as though –
I was living on a quiet street, in a small and cozy home, enclosed with brightly colored walls
and wearing pretty clothes. 
I was.. comfortable.  I was, defined.  I was
STABLE.

And then!.. in a matter of what seemed SECONDS, dreadfully awful, dramatic and devastating
SECONDS.. I feel a rush, see everything turn to black, and sense myself falling, just CRASHING,
to the floor..
no,

falling right into the earth.
Beneath the rubble.
Completely, buried.
Hidden away, dying, and so afraid.  No one knows I’m here!  So no one will come looking,
and I’ll receive NO help,
NO consolation.

Then, I wake up..
and I’m walking down  a strange and unfamiliar road… toward a house that was abandoned long ago..
built of walls made of stone – a prison, a tomb –
and I’m wearing rags instead of gold.

It’s, strange.  It’s.. very lonely!.. and it’s also inescapable.
That’s the scary part.
  I can’t leave this place.

AND THEN!.. a boy shows up beside me, and takes my hand.
Then, I feel at home riiiight where I am.  (He’s been here for awhile, but I just now notice him – really, notice and appreciate him)
It’s like, he carries with him.. magic!
Color, light.. fabric, drapes,.. smiles and hugs
that keep me safe.

Well.  That.. is all silly.  But it’s true.
The only thing that makes sense in my life right now,
is Christopher.
I’m holding on to him in my heart, unbeknownest to anyone, with all fervor, all devotion..
he is the dream I hold to –
the hope that I CLING to..
and the love that I believe in.
  He’s my best friend.. and the only one who can possibly understand, and thereby,
free

me.

And God.
Of course.. I trust my Lord. 
I haven’t always and it.. this trust.. isn’t yet what I want it to be – nor what it SHOULD be..
neither will it ever be, on this side of the moon.
But I do trust Him; there is a reason I’m here, a reason that everything has changed so drastically, so dramatically..
and the reason,

well..
I’m proud to say that I don’t know.  🙂
You know why I’m proud?

Because.. I’ve never felt this way before.
I always needed to know, foresee everything that would befall and bless me..
give my consent to His gentle reproving hand and guide Him to make the choices
I wanted him to.

Now.. in the poppy words of Francesa Baticelli,
“I’m letting go, of the life I planned for me.. and my dreams;
I’m losing control – of my destiny,
it feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe, and..
it feels like I’m falling-
this is the life for me.”

AunAqui

Veins of Gold..

and a heart on my sleeve.  [ June 1st, 2010 ]

Why do I always get myself in these situations?
*

In New York now.  I made it safely, by God’s grace.. after 30 hours of driving, I don’t feel like going anywhere anyyytime soon unless it’s to the local ghetto-Walmart [where I’m amazed my car’s still there when I come out carrying my newly bought lamp.]  (true story)

So yes, Mountaindale, New York.. it is pretty here.  Green.  Quiet.  I’m sitting outside of the dorm on a weakly-railed balcony, listening to the birdies, an airplane, and the wind. 
I like it.
 

Got up at 6:10 this morning (I mean literally “got up”; the alarm had gone off two times previous, but, I decided it was absolutely necessary to “snooze further.”)

I said a prayer, got dressed, and headed downstairs for worship.  The chapel (sounds catholic.. hmm, substituting-)  WORSHIP ROOM (better?)  was very simple: a pulpit, some fake plants, a piano on the left (somewhat out-of-tune) and an organ on the right (which I didn’t investigate).  Softly padded chairs serve as the equivalent for pews and some of these chairs were littered with hymnals, tracts and the like.  I sat in the middle.  We sang songs, prayed, read and discussed.  It was nice.

Then, we had breakfast.  Afterwards, we spent 3 hours studying (today was orientation).  And the rest of the day I have whittled away with various “necessaries”:  reading from books, studying an outline, “catching up” on laundary, responding to various emails, thinking to myself-

3 months? 

That’s a long time.

And this is my boring life.

**

So yes.  Besides an account of how I’m “settling in,” and “adjusting” to this NY’er life.. what else would you like to know?
Hm.. well, I have a boyfriend now.

His name, is Christopher, and for safety reasons I shall refrain from divulging his last name.

He is wonderful.  Only 3 years older than me, and basically, a male version of “me.”
We have everything, yes – everything, in common. 
Our mindsets are so similar it’s scary. (not really to the scary part..)
He is everything I wanted and, more..

and the funny thing is,
God chose him.
Not me.

We met 8 months ago when I was already in a relationship.  It was long distance.
I’ve already referenced this young man, so, I’d prefer to not name him.

Anyways, Chris and I remained friends up until last week.  However, weeks previous,
this “gentleman” and I broke up and..
What, with being out of work and just on the verge of heading off for the biggest road trip I’VE ever been on,
I had nothing but time on my hands.  (You know how when you’re anticipating someting “big” it consumes your
attention and almost decapacitates you to function as a normal human being? Time is frittered and you feel
at a loss of practical intuition? Ok, good.. you’re following!)

So, with all of this time, I had ample opportunity to cry, get angry (an emotion I’m not very familiar with),
remember, resent, break down, toughen up, want to die, want to defy him,..

all of that.

I went through the wholeee spectrum.

And then, all of the sudden –
there was peace.

I needed to let go of the past. 
I needed to move on.
I needed to realize that..

there was more to me than David.  He wasn’t even who I THOUGHT he was for years.
I was still there –
still here..

And I had much, very much, remaining to live for!..
namely,

God, people, and music.

And.. out of all of those people..
someone special:

Christopher.

So, cupid struck us both with “the second dart” at once and..
I am so very glad to be his. 🙂
Trust — I can see already that it’s going to be a struggle.  Trusting him.
It’s so hard for me to believe that someone could love me unconditionally,
and be faithful.. it’s another one of those “long-distance-insecurity” things and well..

girls, don’t fall in love with boys who live anything more than 2 hours from your residence.
It isn’t fun.. or, easy.

With all of that said, I’m about to head off and get ready for evening worship.
Pray that God will open my heart, AND my mind.

I feel like I have a lot I need to learn here, that I couldn’t learn elsewhere.

“And he hides his heart like it’s made of glass.” [me]
-Aun Aqui

And sleeping would be ideal. (the paradox of emotions)

[ May 26th, 2010]

So, tomorrow, I’m heading out – bright and early – beginning the 5 day roadtrip up north to NEW YORK!
Admittedly, I am excited, and happy to be going.. it’s for a good cause (to learn more of my Lord and how to teach His truth to the multitudes) and it will be a fun journey “getting there,” .. however, I DO have a nervous and ANXIOUS anticipation that I’m fostering.. like, I’m experiencing nausea and,

can’t sleep at night. 
My mind creates all of these “worst-case-scenarios” and I wonder, will I die?  Will I be killed by a person or my own car?  If I wreck, will I end up paralyzed or will angels miraculously save me and my car from impending disaster?  If, If, IF.. only, I could
sleep tonight.

I would like to remain calm.. relax.. “enjoy the ride..” and I’m quite certain that once I’m traveling the open road, with the radio humming quietly and the wind blowing in on me from both sides (windows down, only way to drive).. that I’ll be ok.  🙂  Then, I shall be comfortable, hopeful, optimistic, plucky!..

living – RATHER than merely, simply, only –
existing. 

Also.. a new sort of confusion has entered into my life:
as I’m seeking to let go, and move on from one relationship.. I’m beginning to want to begin, and hold on to,.. another.
And it’s hard, finding myself in the very middle of this Venn Diagram, with one hand letting go on one side and the other beginning to clasp on the other side.. especially when the former doesn’t want to let go..
and I wonder, is it wrong?  Is it right?
Is is possible?  Can timing be this.. strange..
or this wise?

Have you ever found yourself in a place where – at a fork in the road – either path seems right.. destined.. acceptable, and perfect?
Am I supposed to expect and choose only that which IS perfect or what is closest to it (perfection)? And if I perceive that BOTH are perfect, does that mean.. what I choose doesn’t matter?  That there is no premeditated and pre-destined “right or wrong..” it’s just,

MY choice?  There is no “best..”
Ah, I can’t understand.  Maybe, the heart of the problem is my perception: maybe I need time to see things clearly,
and interpret them clearly.. and then I’ll know.

Or, I’ll realize that I’ll never really know anything for certain.  
I can either close my eyes, turn around and walk away..
or dive in.  Not in to a crystal blue, room-temperature water..
but in to a black “sea of potential.” [CAY]  It can mean and be, and I can find and see, anything.
 -AunAqui