Selflessness: listening to music you DON’T like because you LOVE the person
who LIKES it. -Aun Aqui
“How long before you decide, before I know what it feels like?” -Coldplay.
So a lot has been going on, going down, transpiring, eventizing, and I’ve been moving on, and feeling down, perspiring, and
Under the spotlight, in the middle of the chaos,
in the midst of noise, in the presence of faces
(whose eyes are glued on you, who know no shame
That things really ARE different.
I miss my mom, a lot. Yes, still.
Here’s a journal entry from 9/11.
“I miss, my mom. I hate being away from my best friend — the woman who loves me and cares for all my needs. God! Can’t you FEEL my TEARS?..
She loves me, unconditionally. She cares for me with sincere interst, genuine concern, gentle love, thoughtful attention..
I miss her.”
So yeah, that’s an EVERYDAY thing.
And today, I was carousing old videos of mine on Facebook and happened upon an old one of my (ex) best friend, Melissa, and I. I began crying and just, couldn’t stop.
It’s like, it took me 4 months to realize that,
As “gone” as my childhood, my life of singlehood and independence, my twin sized bed, my pack of dogs, my highschool career..
Everything I’ve left behind, accomplished, or turned away from.
Everything I’ve abandoned, and moved past –
said goodbye to, and imagined it passed.
I really miss her.
I mean, we were BEST friends (hardcore) for 8 years. We were like SISTERS. In tween-life, a best friend is huge.. bigger than life. S/he is the most important person in your life, basically. We talked everyday — she knew EVERY detail about me and my life, and I had the same privileged knowledge of hers.
I tried contacting her twice in the past 4 months.. once, on her birthday – to remind her that I still remembered her, loved her, and wanted her to be happy – and the second time, was afew weeks before my wedding day. She was invited, I told her, if she felt emotionally “ready,” and “up to it.”
I didn’t get a response to either of the two emails.
I’m listening to Coldplay and finishing up some movie editing while Chris fills out job applications. Turns out, we probably AREN’T going to Ukraine.
The missions director informed us last week that.. he hadn’t received sufficient funds from students to support us there (with housing, and a salary). And so, we’re having our final consultation with him today at 2 o clock, over Skype. It has been appearing that God is closing the door, but, you just never know. Regardless, both of us are looking for jobs, JUST “in case.” I applied at a local Cracker Barrel yesterday and have been scheduled for an interview on Thursday of this week. The manager I spoke with said that he would be calling Matt (my former CB overseer/ manager down in Florida) and I’m positive that I’ll be getting an excellent recommendation, so, I’m pretty much employed. Now, we’re waiting on Chris to land a job. Then.. we can move out of here (his parents’ house) and get our own place.
It’s been difficult, the past few weeks, being here.
I’m not about to go into detail, but, let it suffice to say that..
I just feel a lot of pressure on me; to both.. be something I’m not, and hide who I am.
I’m a pretty private person and miss my independence, and my freedom.
I feel like, once Chris and I get our own apartment, I’ll have fewer obligations, responsibilities, and pressures that are now heaped upon me and unsolicited by myself.
I am very glad, however, on a more positive note, that I get along with his family. I love his mom, adore his step-dad, and am very fond of his little sister. They feel like “my own.” God has blessed me; every detail of and every progressive step in Chris and I’s relationship (from strangers, to friends, to husband and wife) has been blessed of God and just absolutely
Perfection: a word that NEVER described any facet of “David and I,” the boy who possessed my heart for nearly 3 years.
Everything about us was wrong, juvenile, insincere, superficial, and forbidden. It was a confused “love,” a strange set of circumstances, a weird and uncomfortable situation. His sister being my best friend, his mom HATING me, him living 1000 miles away 11/12ths of the year and having no spine or backbone (no courage to stand up for, protect, and defend me)..
made everything very complicated and lousy.
“David and I” is the greatest mess God ever cleaned up for me.. the deepest hole he ever dug me out of, and the scariest fate He ever saved me from.
Every day, I’m just more and more clear-minded, and open eyed.. realizing, ever more fully, how awful life
could have been.
And it makes me love him more.
And aside from all of that, I just miss everyone.
Micah and Amy, my aunt and uncle.
They’ve been busy recently; moved out of state because he had a job transfer. I’ve always felt a good connection with Micah, and I’ve always been able to confide in Amy. There’s an incredible understanding between us – a tie of sympathy, empathy, compassion and.. just, “knowing.” I miss our conversations.. I miss her company. I just hope that, now that I’m married and living away from home and “on my own..” that everything won’t change TOTALLY –
that everything doesn’t have to change, completely.
So that’s the “big, general, detail-less update” for now.
One last thing.
We’re getting a german shepherd,
and he shall be called BRUSTER.
As I was driving the other day, I thought to myself..
how awesome and thrilling and TERRIFYING would it be,
if all the forests,
and all the trees in them,
were really.. creatures?
Not human beings, but, similar.
Aliens. Creatures of intelligence, planning, strategy..
with an AGENDA.
What if they are plotting —
to simultaneously, unzip their brown exteriors, climb out,
and kill us all?