i don’t want you to…

I’d put the plastic bar thingy between her things and mine before getting lost in my head. And why was I lost in my head? I’d seen carrot cake on display on my way to the checkout line and had remembered that he likes carrot cake. Stupid little things you can’t forget, that.

“Did you get one of these too?” the customer lady in front of me asked suddenly.

I looked over at her and then down at what she was pointing at: a gigantic air filter.

“I did not,” I said, shaking my head.

She looked away suspiciously and I thought to myself, what are the chances that I’d be buying an air filter at the grocery store? I go to Lowes for that shit.

Anyways, I’d already returned to my thoughts when I suddenly heard: “Uh, THAT’S NOT MINE… NONE of that’s mine.”

I looked over to where the confused cashier was holding a pint of ice cream mid-air. It was mine. So were the bananas she’d just scanned and the kombucha she was about to scan.

I looked back at the customer (the one who’d asked about the air filter a minute ago) and she was giving me the STRANGEST look. Read that again: the STRANGEST look.

“I don’t wanna buy your stuff,” she said slowly — her voice low and murder-y while she held my gaze.

???????

I was too a. confused and b. caught off guard and c. SCARED to say anything at first but finally mustered: “I don’t want you to…” BECAUSE I DIDN’T!! Hence the bar thingy!

It was awkward as hell and I told my roommates about it when I got home. We were all confused as well as intrigued by it.

I also mentioned to them that, by the end of her transaction, the lady seemed to be suddenly aware of her affect because she handed a quarter to the cashier and said, loud enough for me and the person behind me to hear, that the cashier should give it to someone in need.

= me in line and then driving home and then talking to Charlie and Jordan and then sitting in bed, thinking about it

Still missing that stinkin guy, btw (the carrot cake one). I didn’t text him for days and then I did and then my friend Rodger, when I told him, just shook his head at me, saying nothing. This was when we were eating Indian food at lunch today; I’d gone and texted the guy yesterday.

“I sent him an exclusive AND FUN coffee pic and told him I was thinking about him and that I hoped he was doing well and all he said was beautiful pic, happy to hear from you.” I shrugged and sighed deeply, scooping up another bite of some curried cauliflower thing. It was delicious. “Oh well.”

“Stop,” Rodger said, and I think that was all he said about it. But he thinks I should move on, drink at home, and quit going for the sad addict type… he pretty much said these other things in-between his own bites of some cream-of-wheat-and-sweet-potato thing.

guess it isn’t exclusive anymore but it’s still fun, so enjoy

What I’d like to say to Mr. Heartbreaker Man: If you don’t want me, I don’t want you to… I wish I could say this to him as emphatically as I said it to the crazy lady at Publix and then get on with things, with things like school and work and adventures and Tycho, but if I’m being honest (and I always try to be), I always wish and hope that they’ll want me back.

And I got off the app last week because I was overwhelmed with pictures and bios and had realized that I prefer meeting people IRL, yes, but also because I didn’t really want anyone other than him (and still don’t). Which is good, I guess… he’s helping me remain single pre-crazy school semester. And I guess it’s nice wanting HIM for a change instead of ancient-history-we-aren’t-gonna-talk-about. Annnnnnyways…

I’ve had two sophisticated alcoholic beverages and three curious dreams this week — sharing the most interesting one (+ pics of both drinks) below.

I was downstairs in the basement of a home I don’t know and talking on the phone with someone when three slender shapes appeared in front of me — moving forward, walking toward me. I knew right away, from the other side of this window, that they were bad.

I turned around quickly and through a glass door I saw a hand, heard a crack: they were already coming inside.

The next thing I knew I was in another room holding something — heart steady, three bodies on the floor. My friends and family were walking through the house, saying they’d slayed their demons and sounding relaxed, and I thought to myself, still gripping some kind of weapon with my hands: “How do they think they only have one?” I had three on the floor and KNEW there were others.

The end. In closing, I’m leaving you with a poem I wrote this morning while waiting for my latte. Fun fact: “Winnebago” entered my mind without me even knowing what it WAS (thought it was a city or a country — googled the word later on and I was wrong). Calling this one zeta.

actually

i haven’t been

creating

as much as when

de-pendent

clauses ran

inside, from here to end

forget

what i just said

hang on

i‘ll get it back

i need

to think on that

just let

me think on that

kissing

on your brown couch

laughing

inside your mouth

moving

inside your mouth

i’m never

inside your mouth

oh boy

it’s over now

putting

those feelings down

que podria ponerlos bajo!

really though, i wish i could

so i’ll just sit

and drink my coffee

think about

how you don’t like me

understand

that you don’t want me

violet

winnebago

ex-cess al-co-hol yeah

letra zeta holla

holla

holla

auchentoshan — performed 45 mins of research before ordering this one (IF YOU DRINK IT NEAT IT WILL TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY)
blood and sand — enjoyed this smokey drink so much i didn’t put it down until that gigantic ice cube touched my nose

Still here — cheers.

Aun Aqui

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Personal stories, lengthy rants, and lighthearted explosions of optimism, all neatly bundled into one blog.

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